Memories
by PW 1
Summary: What if the only memories of your childhood were saturated in the blood of war? Or if a person believes that they are forever cursed? Relena Peacecraft Dorlain looks to her past and to her life only to find hopelessness.


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Warning: Rated R for blood, dead bodies, death, and rape. Can't stomach the ideas? then don't read.

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Memories

by: Pixie Wings

Most girls have fond memories of when they were younger, say something to the effect of a first pony ride. Sometimes the memories are of grandmothers taking them out to strawberry patches to pick strawberry's for dessert. Both the grandmother and the child would get their hands sticky with strawberry juice and would laughingly wipe their hands off on one another's clothes. Those were for the normal people, the people who hadn't seen war first hand.

My first memory that I could recall was of blood, and lots of it. There also were mangled bodies of former employees and fire, burning everything, feverishly trying to burn any evidence of the massive bloodshed. All it did was destroy the physical things, the mental and emotional evidence is still imprinted on my mind. Then there were the screams, so loud it pierced through the crackling the fire made. I remember running down the burning halls. It was so hot, so very hot. All my tears seemed to evaporate before they hit the ground, and when some did they seemed to sizzle in protest. 

I remember turning corners, my legs were scratched, torn, and bloody from all the wood and metal that I had scraped it on while running. I ran to my mothers and fathers room. More blood, so much more blood that should have been in my fathers body. Why was it outside of my fathers body? I knew he couldn't live without it, I don't know how I knew it, I just did. Then there was my mother, she was sobbing and there was a stranger on top of her. I didn't know what he was doing but he was making funny noises and he was in between my mothers legs. What was he doing? Then I heard people yell and shout, then someone pulled me out of the room.

The burning walls seemed to whiz by, everything was passing so fast, and somehow my feet managed to keep on running with my brother. He took me out of that room, away from my mother's sobbing and away from the blood that wanted to crawl back into my father's body. He pulled me along until we were far outside the hellish mansion. From afar it seemed as if it were one huge campfire, unfortunately people were the marsh mellows and the stars and the moon seemed to be the ones holding the sticks. I couldn't help but shiver at the thought that the universe hated us at that moment.

And for a moment... I believed that it were true, that fate was laughing at my family's predicament. It had placed a curse upon my head, one that would never leave my conscience and my un-conscience. Un-conscience was the worst between the two of them, mainly because I can't give myself that much needed false sense of security. 

The screams were dying down, but the flames continued to flicker and seemed to be licking the night sky. Eerie wasn't enough to describe that scene, it was beyond eerie and strange. It was much too nihilistic to be considered a reality to anyone, including myself. That's why I had pushed it far from my mind until now. Now I'm forced to come back to those terrible memories. 

That memory resurfaced with my adoptive fathers violent death. Yes Mr. Darlin was my adoptive father, I still do not recall how he ended up adopting me. Every time I try to remember my mind seems to drift further away from the memory and I'm only left with more questions. I learnt long ago not to think too much on that subject since many of my questions would never be answered. 

My father was killed by a bomb that Lady Une had planted, it was disguised as a compact. Unknowingly I thought that she had just forgotten it and I returned it to her. For a moment I thought that she had gone mad when she threw it into the conference my father was in. Then as the explosion vibrated through the air, I realized exactly what had happened. The curse had followed me again.

I ran inside only to find dead bodies, some mutilated and some were whimpering. I found my father, blood was pouring out of him all over the floor. That's when I remembered my father, my real father, and his blood. My real father's blood wanted back in, my adoptive fathers blood wanted out. It was a few moments before more memories came back, but by then some strangers had placed me and my father in a van and were speeding away. 

When he confirmed that I was adopted I didn't want to believe it, after all, who wants to be able to say that they lived a nightmarish life. But as I saw his blood continue to seep out of his body, the reality of my existence hit me hard. I had caused this, I was fates way of punishing people, I was fates curse. Who ever gets close to me is assured of pain in their lives. That's what fate had wanted of me from the beginning. 

That was the reason I left immediately for the Sank Kingdom. My adoptive mother already suffered enough pain and anxiety in her life, she didn't need any more, thus she didn't need me. Pagan never seemed quite satisfied with the pain he had been given though, so he followed me under the guise that he was my ever faithful butler. Unfortunately I knew exactly why he had, but I never lead on that I knew. 

I taught about pacifism at the Sank Kingdom just as everyone else expected. But what had pacifism actually ever given to me besides bloodshed? Instead of dropping the notion, I continue to walk as fate's revenge on the people. Shortly after Heero and Quatre arrived, fate found new victims. Well... Heero had always been a favorite victim of fate, but Quatre would be a different story. Quatre would experience fates most creative form of torture. But of course that is a little later on, and even to this day I do not know the full story. What I do know was that through me, fate had cursed the young man.

Again I was pulled into bloodshed soon after the boy's arrival. Romefeller wanted my kingdom demolished once again, and in the smoke and rubble, I let them take me to their 'leader'. I knew that meeting me would be his downfall. In a way it was, the curse was once again passed on and he died in space. Dorothy, well, Dorothy always wanted the pain that fate could give. Unfortunately fate gave her a different pain, she would live to know what a heartless person she was. She would then become another tool for fate, willingly in a way. Unlike her I was born cursed, she chose her own way. 

At Romefeller I caused havoc, I turned heads, and I changed minds. Mine was not included though, the havoc was already in my brain, and no matter where I was I know I'd turn heads. I guess it comes with the curse. It seemed that my own brother decided to help fate's revenge. After all he did start and new war, and with new war comes new bloodshed. And who better to center your plans around than me, fate's curse to the people. 

Indeed there was much more bloodshed, more dead bodies, more destruction, more reminders of my past. When we all thought that the wars were over I fooled myself, I believed that with the ending of the wars that fate's curse had lifted from my head. How many times will I make that mistake. Once again because of me bloodshed was about to commence. This time it was a young girl who wanted my curse placed upon her. I suppose fate had been kind to the girl in the end in some way. She didn't die, instead she had Lady Une taking care of her. 

Lady Une, the person who killed my father, well... my adoptive father, but then, fate revenged him for me. Fate took Treize away from her, I believe that was the only present fate had ever given me. That sounds crazy doesn't it? Especially coming from me... Relena Peacecraft Darlin. Perhaps I am crazy, but who wouldn't be considering my past. Who else has seen this much bloodshed and know it was their fault, that fate had cursed you and in cursing you cursed everyone you meet. 

No one has been spared. I was forced into living the unthinkable my entire life, watching people kill one another, watching what pacifism does. I try to act optimistic, using my best acting to convince the people that everything is over, but I know better. I know that fate is just waiting to pounce on us when we are least expecting it to. 

I know there will be other wars, more bloodshed, more memories that I don't want. I know fate is waiting to strike revenge again through the curse it placed upon me. But I'm not going to let that happen! I'm going to end this cycle, I'm going to break that chain that keeps fate's curse connected to me. 

I smile. Fate's curse, it form of revenge to the people will have to find a new victim. I can only smile one last time as once again I see blood. This time its my blood on the floor, pooling around my wrists. The last time I will see blood, then no more. My last thought was to taunt fate, but then, as my final breath escapes my lips, I understand. I was ment to die that day so long ago, but somehow, somebody made a deal. A deal that killed many people, that haunted me to this moment. A deal that landed that curse upon me, but I cannot remember who or what had made that deal. 

My eyes shut and the curse lifts itself up.

No more memories come to mind.

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Someone told me that this story was dark, another said nothing can be too dark. Well... one thing these people agreed on was that this was depressing. I have to agree. I hope I didn't scare you all to death -_- I'm sorry if I did, and I'm sorry if you don't like the way this ended or you don't like Relena dieing or if you got confused. But this is the way I write and well... if you've been a reader of mine and you've read my song fic series or my short story 'this thing we called love' you'd see what I mean. Anyway I hope you all found some sort of entertainment from this fanfiction, and I hope you all didn't get offended. 

Oh and a quick note to the many who have emailed me about my heart's loneliness series, yes I'm continuing it, it'll be out by thanksgiving! and one more note I'm sure I don't even have to say this... but do not continue that fic, because, well, I wrote it and I am continuing it, I haven't given it up yet. If I do I will be sure to announce that, but I haven't. Well, please review so I know if you liked this or not and what you thought of this!

~Pixie Wings~

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"They didn't matter a whit to the world, of course, and they tormented me, but I got a gruesome satisfaction from my sufferings. They proved my existance." -Susanna Kaysen Girl Interrupted

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"The girl at her music sits in another sort of light, the fitful, overcast light of life, by which we see ourselves and others only imperfectly, and seldom" -Susanna Kaysen Girl Interrupted

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DISCLAIMER: I don't own Gundam Wing, this is only a fanfiction and I obviously don't make any money off of it.


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